8 Secrets about Therapy You Probably Don’t Know (Unless You’re a Therapist)
Going to therapy provides you with an opportunity to actually access healing. It also requires you to put in some work to reach your healing goals. Building off of my last blog post, 7 Things You Need to Know Before Going to Therapy, which goes into more detail of the work that’s required of you in therapy, today I want to share with you 8 secrets about therapy that you probably don’t know. These are meant to be helpful pieces of information that will increase the chances of you having a valuable healing experience with your therapist.
Sometimes, the problem is within you
It takes work to change. You have to dig up old wounds, you have to talk about your childhood, and you have to be realistic about your life. There is a mirror reflecting back at you, the role you’ve had in getting yourself to where you are. In therapy, your therapist might require you to forgive some people in your life you never thought you could or to call some people that you haven't spoken to in a really long time to face your feelings.
Sometimes, in therapy you have to talk about things like your sense of self worth. In my therapy office people will often say things like, “I don't know why I keep choosing the wrong partners.” Or they’ll ask, “Why do I keep dating these people? What's wrong with all of my love choices?” It’s my job as the therapist to explore a new perspective with you, to flip the script and talk about why you’re choosing these partners. Flipping the script and looking at your role in your suffering or pain is hard. It can be jarring. It can be scary. It takes effort.
You need to be ready to do the work. So, before you pick up the phone to call your therapist, before you log on to your online session with your therapist, or before you walk into your therapist’s office, you need to know that within yourself, you are ready to do the innerwork that is required for your healing.
Some people may not be supportive of your healing
When you start your healing journey with a therapist, not everyone will embrace the fact that you're going to therapy. As your therapist, I will embrace it and I will be cheering you on, and I will be in your corner, but if there are people in your life who are benefiting from the current dysfunctional relationship they have with you, then they are not going to embrace you going to therapy, because it is going to change the relationship dynamic. They may no longer be benefiting from the transactional exchange that has existed between the two of you.
As you go through your healing journey with a therapist, the therapist will empower you to make some changes in your life. They’ll empower you to create boundaries that no longer let people speak to you, or treat you in a disrespectful manner, or in a way that takes advantage of you. As you become more empowered, the people who were benefiting from your disempowerment might start noting how you’ve changed. They may let you know that you’re not the same person anymore, or that you’re not fun anymore. They may even tell you that they don’t like who you’ve become and that therapy isn’t working for you (aka them).
The truth of the matter will be that you are changing and it is working for you. It’s working so well that other people are noticing! You’ll start to see how the other people have been treating you and will be able to make an empowered decision on whether you want the relationship to continue or not. You may start closing some doors on people because you refuse to accept their behaviour towards you.
Although you’re healing and empowering yourself, there will be some loss. Loss isn’t always bad, it can open the doors to new beginnings if you let it.
Therapy can be exhausting, draining, and energy depleting
After a heavy therapy session you may feel drained (some sessions are heavier than others). It can take a lot out of you to realize, for example, how an important person treated you because of something that happened when you were a little kid. Or, you might discuss some of the trauma responses that you're having in your body and after you leave your therapist, you have a realization that “oh, my goodness, I was assaulted when I was four years old and that's what this physical response is all about.” Whew, talk about some hard mental and emotional processing.
Because of the potential for therapy to be so exhausting, draining, and energy depleting you may decide to schedule your appointments at the end of the day when you know you can go home right after and have a drink, do nothing, be alone, put all of your communication devices on “do not disturb,” take a bath, take a nap, or even have your partner watch your children for a few hours. Maybe you have your therapy sessions in the beginning or middle of the day but you don’t book any meetings for that day or you put the projects that require the least of your energy on that day.
Keep this in mind when you are accessing therapy and plan how you are going to be able to physically and emotionally show up for other people after your session.
Your therapist doesn’t have the answers
Your therapist is a guide that will shine a light down your road of life and of healing. They cannot undo the trauma that you have experienced, they cannot make the child abuse you’ve experienced go away, they cannot undo the grief or bring your important person back but they can walk alongside you as you heal from these painful life experiences.
A couple of years ago, I had a client who lost a person that they loved. Sometimes my client would come to our session and the grief would be so thick that they would just cry in my presence for the whole session. I would sit there and allow them to cry. People need to cry, they need a safe space. Your therapist is there to be a safe space for you.
On a side note, please don’t ever think that you need to be worried about your therapist’s emotional well-being. It is not your job to take care of their heart. Your therapist does have emotions and they may take on your trauma or your grief, but they went to school for this. They have peers to be a support for them, they (should) have a supervisor to help them walk through any processing difficulties they may have. They also have tools and techniques that give them the space to be strong for you. You're going into therapy because you’re struggling with being strong, you shouldn’t walk into the therapy space thinking that you need to be strong for your therapist, or that you can't tell them everything about the trauma you’ve experienced because they're going to be a mess when you’re done.
You are with your therapist for support so go to them to access that support and do what you need to do to heal.
Sometimes you and your therapist are experiencing the same challenges
Sometimes, your life situation can be mirroring something that is going on or has gone on in your therapist’s life as well. Because of your therapist’s training, they may be able to manage their emotions and separate themselves from your situation allowing them to still be able to support you.
However, depending on varying circumstances, your therapist may be triggered by what you are sharing with them. If your therapist is aware of their limitations, they may refer you to another therapist that is better suited to support you.
Don’t take offense if this happens to you, your therapist is doing what’s best for you.
It’s normal to develop feelings for your therapist (but they cannot reciprocate them)
Your therapist is great at what they do. They will make you feel seen, heard, understood, and safe. Maybe in a way that you have never felt before. Your therapist may help you reshape your attachment style, they may speak good things into your life reminding you of your self-worth, they may provide you strength and encouragement to move through a difficult situation in your life that you are eternally grateful for, or they may help you re-write the limiting narrative you’ve created in your mind. All of these changes may create a feeling of attraction towards your therapist - on a romantic, friendship, or even familial level. It’s not uncommon and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Your therapist is modelling to you how a parent, sibling, partner, or friend should be making you feel.
However, your therapist is bound by strict ethical codes of conduct from their professional associations/colleges. These codes dictate that they must not engage in any relationship with a current or past client outside of the therapy room. In fact, if they break any of their professional boundaries, they could be at serious risk of losing their licensure. This even includes bringing small tokens of appreciation to your therapist like a coffee or scone. Your therapist may not accept this from you. Try not to take it personally if they decline.
If you find yourself head-over-heels in love with your therapist, it can become a hurdle for therapy. A good therapist may be able to dig into that to find out where that's coming from and then move forward with the sessions without problem. However, someone with less experience may find that dynamic to be a barrier for service. It may be time to find another therapist.
Your therapist won’t talk to you in public
If you see your therapist in public, for confidentiality reasons, they are very likely not to acknowledge you. If you initiate contact, they may be cordial and brief in their greetings.
This is more likely to happen in small towns rather than large cities, but it’s still always a possibility. As a therapist, if I notice that a client lives in my neighborhood, I have a discussion with them before we begin sessions regarding what would happen if I were to see them to make sure that we are on the same page. I may say, “just so you're aware, I actually live in X town just like you. Just in case we happen to run into each other at the local drugstore (or wherever) here's what will likely happen…” I, or your therapist, will fill in the blank with what we feel comfortable with.
Again, this isn’t because they don’t like you, or are rude people. It’s for confidentiality purposes to protect your identity as well as your therapist’s identity. For example, you may be out with your family and not want to explain to them that you’re in therapy, or maybe you are receiving therapy regarding your abusive home situation, or your therapist may be out with their family and might want to protect the identity of their family members.
You therapist will not accept any of your gifts (no matter how much you mean to them)
As I mentioned quickly in the Developing Feelings section of this blog post, your therapist is not able to accept any gifts from their clients, no matter how small it is or how much they really like the gift.
We think you are amazing. You are some of the reasons why we, therapists, get up every day because we love the work that we do. We love to walk alongside you as you find your healing. But you don't need to bring us gifts. You don't need to bring us flowers. You don't need to bring us Christmas presents. You don’t need to bring us a coffee at the end of the day.
If I'm working with a small child and they bring me a little token that they made I'll usually thank them, tell them how great it is, and I’ll leave it on my desk in the office so that when they come again they can see it. But, other than that, we cannot accept your gifts so please don’t bring them. It makes for an awkward situation because we have to tell you no, and we don’t want you to think we don’t like it.
We need to follow our professional obligations for our licensure. We need to make sure that we are keeping an equal transactional relationship. Gifts may make some people feel as though the power dynamic of the relationship has changed.
So, those are the 8 secrets about therapy that you may not have known about. Therapy can provide you the gift of healing, but it comes with some stipulations.
TLDR?
Here are the points to wrap it up:
Therapy is hard work. It needs your commitment to do the inner work required for your healing.
Not everyone will embrace your healing journey because it means that you are going to require changes from them, you're going to be putting up boundaries, and they are going to push back against that.
Therapy is exhausting so be intentional on when you book your appointments and how you can care for yourself afterwards.
Your therapist doesn’t have the answers and can’t undo the trauma you’ve experienced. They’ll guide you to find your answers and create a safe space for you to process your hard emotions. Your therapist is also a person with feelings. Sometimes they will cry with you, sometimes they will laugh with you, and sometimes they will get shell shocked by your story but that's okay. You’re not responsible for their feelings; they are trained and they have support to help us deal with heavy emotions. Go to your sessions with the totality of your story.
Sometimes, your story may mirror a challenge that your therapist is going through that hits too close to home for them and they may refer you to another therapist who can support you fully.
You may develop feelings for your therapist and given the fact that they are helping you in such a positive way, it's actually not uncommon. I suggest mentioning it to your therapist and maybe you can unpack some of that together.
If you see your therapist in public, they’re likely to continue doing their thing opposed to stopping to chat with you for confidentiality reasons.
Your therapist cannot accept gifts from you, no matter how much they may want to, so please don’t bring them to your therapist.
