7 Things You Need to Know Before Going to Therapy
Do you struggle to get out of bed every morning? Do you stay in your house all day because of anxiety? Have you had a troublesome past that you haven’t dealt with? Or have you experienced a traumatic event that is now giving you nightmares? If you answered to any of the above, therapy can help you.
There is a lot of stigma around going to therapy. As a psychotherapist I have heard many reasons why a person won’t go to therapy, despite the emotional and psychological turmoil they are in. They either don’t want to go, they don’t think they need the therapy, families don’t agree with therapy as a solution, or it’s not culturally acceptable. Despite all these reasons not to go to therapy, it’s a necessity for many people. Life is hard and sometimes we have traumas or mental illnesses that need addressing. There’s no shame in going to therapy, it can only help you.
For those of you who are curious about going to therapy or who might be a little apprehensive, I’ve put together this list of 7 things you need to know before going to therapy.
1.You don’t have to be there.
Therapy is a choice. Who you do therapy with is also your choice. You don’t need to stick to one therapist if you’re not comfortable. Say you’ve done your research or someone has recommended a person to you and you go to see that counselor, social worker, psychotherapist, psychologist, whichever professional you decide to consult needs to be a right fit.
Research has shown that 70-80% of the healing that happens in the therapy office is a result of the therapeutic alliance. That means that the client and counselor relationship does 70-80% of the work. If you feel comfortable with your therapist then it’ll work. If you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist then chances are it won’t work - but it’s up to you.
If you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist you can leave at the end of the session or even right in the middle of the session. You don’t need to wait until the end of the session to leave. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s a free world (on this side of the world) so you can stay with that therapist or you can leave whenever you like.
You might need a couple sessions with a counselor before you find someone who is the right fit for you. You can (almost) compare it to test driving a car. When you’re buying a new car you research different makes and models, you go to different dealerships, and when you finally drive the car if it feels bumpy or doesn’t feel right you leave it and go somewhere else until you find the car that’s perfect for you. The same goes for therapy.
2. Your counsellor has expertise.
Therapists go to school for many years to learn what it is that they are going to help you with. You need to trust their expertise.
If you go to your therapist’s office and you don’t see degrees or credentials hanging on the wall, ask them. Work it into the conversation and ask them where they went to school or what they majored in. Ask them what mode of therapy they like to work best in.
Trust that your therapist has gone to school for the work that they’re going to be helping you with. They have specialized in, are experts in, and have experience in certain things. They get support so they can help you. They know what they are doing.
Trust them but also, trust yourself. If it doesn’t feel comfortable for you, you don’t have to stick around.
3. Therapy is not magic.
This is my favourite point my friends!!! There’s no magic wand, there’s no crystal ball, there’s no pixie dust in therapy. We’re not fairies and we’re not going to tell you to click your heels 3 times and your PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) will be gone.
The grief you’ve been carrying around is crippling. The trauma you’ve endured is painful and you’ve been carrying it around for awhile. The big accident you’ve experienced or the knock at death’s door might now be PTSD. You might live with Bipolar Disorder, crippling depression, or maybe your anxiety is so bad it was all you could do for the day was get into the therapist’s office. None of that is going to go away in 4 sessions with your therapist. Therapy doesn’t work like that, it takes a lot of hard work and you have to be willing to do the work. As a colleague of mine named Kelly once said, you can’t expect to spend years going deep into the forest and only spend an hour getting out. Sometimes, therapy can take years.
4. This is hard work and you have to be willing to do it.
Therapy takes effort. It’s going to be painful. I don’t want to discourage you but just like anything else that’s worth being done it takes effort. It’s not easy.
Before you start therapy you need to ask yourself if you are willing to really self-reflect.
Therapy is like holding up a mirror to yourself and seeing all of the things that need to go away, need to be addressed, need to be unpacked, or unearthed. Can you do that critical self-reflection?
You can’t expect change without you wanting to make that change. I can’t make you change. I can hold up the mirror for you, I can help you be curious about what’s going on in your life. But you have to be the one to make the change. This is your life. The answers are in you and it’s up to the therapist to help you look inside for the answers.
5. Your therapist holds space for you.
Your therapist doesn’t just hold space for you for your allotted session time. Say you have a therapy appointment at 2pm on Thursday afternoons. Your therapist doesn’t just consider you for that hour on Thursday afternoons. Your therapist thinks about you before you come into the office (they might go through their notes from your last session to refresh themselves on your situation), then they are with you during that hour that you’re in the office for your session, after you leave their office they think about you (they mull over what’s going on with you and how they can best support you). If you go to your therapist with a serious issue they might look for a textbook to help guide them in giving you the best care (not because they don’t know their stuff but because they want to ensure they’re giving you the best of themselves). If they have peers that they connect with then they will call up the peers and consult with them about your case… they’ll share what they were thinking would be the best support for you and they’ll get their peer’s advice on whether that would be the best course of action or not.
Therapists will also do research about your situation and they’ll go to trainings with you in mind.
Therapists can also wear some of your anxiety, grief, depression, abuse, and so on. A client said to me one one day as she was leaving my office, “I'm so glad I came to you, I feel so light.” As she left I thought to myself, “man, I feel so heavy now.” As a therapist I have to find ways to shake that off. We, as therapists, take care of ourselves so we can take care of you. We go to yoga, we pray, we go to dance class, we play with our children, we go for long walks in the wilderness. We do everything that we can to take care of ourselves so we can help you.
6. Your therapist is worth it.
I won’t lie, unless you’re accessing therapy through a community centre, a family services clinic, or a therapist with a sliding scale, therapy is expensive. But it’s worth it.
Think about what you’re trying to work through. Life is difficult. Life is sorrowful. It is traumatic. People live through things like severe neglect, war, immigration, physical and sexual abuse, and sometimes it’s only by the grace of God they haven’t lost their minds. Even though they haven’t lost their mind, they still may be struggling. They may struggle with things like leaving their home, getting out of bed to take care of their children, flashbacks, or that life becomes so unbearable that they almost can’t take it. Oftentimes when people finally pick up the phone to call for a therapist’s support it’s because they know that they can’t go forward in life on their own. Your therapist is willing to hold your hand and help you find your way out of that forest that you’ve been walking through. There’s no price you can put on that. The cost of therapy is worth it.
If you have benefits it makes things so much easier cost wise. But if you don’t have benefits I encourage you to weigh the pros and cons of therapy. You can ask yourself:
Do I pay the fee and get some help or do I not pay the fee and stay depressed?
Do I not pay the fee and lose my job because of my Bipolar Disorder that is out of control?
Do I not pay the fee and get a divorce?
Do I not pay the fee and can’t leave my house because of my anxiety?
Also, consider that your therapist is a human being as well. They have their own troubles, they have financial problems just like you, their cars break down just like yours, their children act up like yours do, and they have arguments with their spouses just like you. When therapists go to their office to work with you, which they enjoy doing, they focus on you, and only you, for the whole hour. You have their undivided attention and they’re helping you get your life back. They’re worth it.
7. Your healing is up to you.
No one is responsible for your healing except for yourself and no one can make you change except for yourself. If you go to your therapy appointment and you sit in the chair and you have thoughts like, “I’m not listening to that” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about” then you are hampering your progress. Your therapist can only help you as far as you’re willing to accept the help and do the work.
Your therapist cannot work harder than you. It’s a two way street. I expect you to be forthcoming with the information I’m asking from you. Tell me about the argument you had with your partner when you threw the glass against the wall, tell me about your out of control anger, tell me about what happened to you at 16. I understand there is some shame associated with the struggles you’re coming to see me for and I understand these may not have been your best moments but if you don’t tell me I can't help you. I’m not a mind reader and I’m not clairvoyant. My magic wand is broken so you have to share with me in order for me to tell you what’s wrong.
Before signing up for therapy, I encourage you to do some soul searching. If you know you’re not ready and willing to put in the work, if the situation is too fresh in your mind and you’re not ready to talk about it, or if you know that looking at yourself in the mirror is too painful for you right now then it may not be the right time for you to access therapy. That’s okay too.
To hear more about the things you need to know before going to therapy, listen to my Instagram Live.
